At the Botttom of Maslow's Hierarchy

A former colleague posted Maslow's hierarchy on Facebook and I found it comforting.  I remember it from education courses and realizing how hard it would be for a student, child or adult, to learn if his or her basic needs were not met.   So these days, in our apartment, we are meeting our physiological and safety needs although they are threatened by empty grocery shelves and news full of Covid 19 stories and masked people everywhere and Jim's cancer diagnosis.  But friendship and self esteem and certainly self-actualization needs are not easily met these days.

Yesterday I never left the apartment.  Jim walked on sidewalks in the apartment complex but I find that boring and just didn't bother.   We did online church but that leaves something to be desired in fellowship and communal praise.   I did a load of laundry, made cauliflower soup and granola (not for the same meal!), and downloaded one more mystery (Lord Peter Wimsey) for my iphone Kindle app.  I looked forward for watching #3 and 4 of The Last Dance, a Michael Jordan show on ESPN, with Jim in the evening.  But when it came on, I was so irritated with the noise and fights and Dennis Rodman's piercings that I despaired and went into the bedroom to read.  All in all, I just didn't feel like I could find the resources in myself to make it a good day and it wasn't.  Plus a whole week of trying to exercise more and eat less left me weighing exactly what I weighed before.  I know others have it much harder than I do and I am so grateful that we are not sick and we can breathe and we are not on ventilators but I was just plain tired of the way we are having to live right now and I gave in to my mood and wept.

I want to see our families--so near now and yet so far because we can't bring any exposure to them nor they to us.  Plus I am worried about Jim's cancer and so hoping and praying it has been treated successfully.  And I am not in a position to help others right now as I have in the past--through teaching or music or volunteering at the library or just being a good neighbor or church member.

It does help to realize others are feeling the same way and that Maslow pictured it in a way that makes sense.  When will it end?  We don't know and it may be a while until we can put away those masks and hug our children and grandchildren.  Jim remembers my dad telling him that when he was a GI in Europe during WWII,  the hard part was not having an end goal.  He was there for a year and a half.  How hard that must have been for him and my mother.   And this is a war of sorts--a war against a virus and against the misinformation that comes from the highest levels of government, especially the White House.
Some states are reopening in part but if done too soon, the cycle will worsen.

It also helps me to write about it--and I so hope and pray that when I make my Blog2Print book at the end of the year, this will all be something that we can say, "Thank God that is over.  We are able to see each other again.  Jim's tests are reassuring.  Life is back to normal."

A Pandemic Birthday

It's my birthday and it has been an unusual birthday but full of joyful moments anyway.  I woke up to  texts from my sister Lois and my friend Sue VanEngen>  Sue wished me a day in which I felt showered with love from family and friends.  And I did with several texts including some from my grandchildren and emails from friends and calls later from Lois and Sue.  Plus there was a handwritten note on my breakfast setting from Jim with instructions to get myself something special.  So I ordered Stitch Fix again.

I went for an early morning walk and one later in the day--both accompanied by Laura's Best of Both Worlds podcast in which she interviewed Jen Hatmaker.  The afternoon walk turned out to be lovely but threatening as the dark storm clouds let loose with strong winds, thunder and rain.  I actually called Jim to get me but got home by the time the garage door was opening.  I was very wet!

 The Women's Bible Study in South Bend had a zoom meeting this morning and  I was invited to join.  Jim zoom-bombed and told them it was my birthday. It was a great birthday treat--to see my good friends, my young friends, back "home." 


We ordered dinner from Romeo's in Plainsboro.   It was OK--not as good as last week's pizza and not as good as my own lasagna--but it was put in front of me without any work!   We had ice cream cake for dessert which is always wonderful.   I have been trying to cut out ice cream, crackers and cheese, chips, etc. but treated myself today.  I'll go for one more walk to get my 7500 steps--and do our stairs 3 more times.   

Jeff and Susan sent me some gorgeous flowers.   We might watch a video tonight--last night was Lark Rise to Candleford which was fun.  

I am doing the Isolation Retreat from Sacred Space and this is how it ended today--a good reminder for me.  

Above all, help me to know that I stay connected to you at all times and that I only need to pause, breathe and pray to become deeply aware of this.

So I do feel loved and appreciated tonight.  It has been a good day in spite of being unable to do our usual birthday dinner in a restaurant or to be able to share it with more of our family members.

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And a Facetime with Dan and Alex with a planned "birthday party" next weekend when they are in their rental in upstate New York.

Binge Reading

Some friends binge on TV series.  We don't have Netflix or Hulu  although we do have Amazon prime.    But we have yet to binge on videos.  However, in this season of social isolation and sheltering in place, I binged on a British mystery series Lord and Lady Hetheridge.

I got hooked when I saw an offer for Ice Blue for free or was it 99 cents?   The London location was fun with police procedurals featuring Scotland Yard.  Kate, the young detective, was pretty feisty and Tony, also known as Chief or guv or Lord Hetheridge, was kind and handsome and elegant.  A romance developed and it was the romance that lured me into buying the next four books for my Kindle app.  At this point, as was a foregone conclusion by the name of the series, Tony and Kate are married and they are Lord and Lady Hetheridge.   But the earlier issues continue as they care for Ritchie and Henry, Kate's brother and nephew, and deal with her mother and sister.   Then there is the sidekick Detective Deepal Bhar who has many skills but manages to get into trouble. And the nemesis at Scotland Yard Detective Jackson who in the last volume is beginning to redeem himself.  And the horrible villain Duncan Godington  who to my great relief meets his demise in Book Five so we don't have to deal with him in Book Six--I hope!

The books are billed as "cozy mysteries."  They are not.  The murders are pretty gruesome and Book Five ends with a hold your breath climax.   But the romance is sweet and the family issues realistic.

So each day I read one more book and then splurge on another $3.99 for the next volume.  Today it will be Book Six Blue Christmas and then I will have to wait for Emma Jameson to write Book Seven.   Meanwhile, I have been given the gift of hours of escape and entertainment during this time of Covid 19 staying at home and it has been fun.

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I found Emma Jameson on Facebook and there was an email for contacting her so I did to thank her for her help in givng me some fun this week.  This was her reply:

Thank you so much for letting me know you enjoyed the books. I really appreciate it. I'm working on Dr. Bones right now-- Friendship May Be Fatal--and then I'll be on to Hetheridge #7, which will probably be called Untrue Blue. 

Now I'll hop over and check out your blog. Have a lovely week, and be well!

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So I am quite pleased that I have advance notice of the name of the next book! Plus glad that I could thank an author for her hard work.

Radiation Day #44

Jim finished up 44 days of radiation therapy yesterday.   He was uneasy that something would go wrong on his last day but it went smoothly.  He was not sent off the slab to drink more water.  The computer worked without a glitch.  No one was delayed before him so he didn't have an uncomfortable wait with a full bladder.

He met with Dr. Deng afterward and will have a telephone appointment with him in June.  In July he will have another PSA  test and meet with Dr. Swartzman for results.

Jim's prognosis is good but we won't know if the cancer was killed until July.  I fell apart when he came home.  Somehow that seems so hard to me right now--not knowing and just hoping and praying for the best outcome.    He did get through the treatments without serious side effects--even no fatigue.  He will wean himself from one of the medications he is taking. 

We celebrated with a take out pizza. 

 I wish we could have celebrated with our kids and grandkids but not during this time of social isolation.   They all called or texted and today we received a big bouquet of cookies from Laura and family.  Our friends the Moorheads ordered a take-out meal from Jam n Crepes that will be delivered sometime today as their celebration gift.  In another world, we would have gone out to eat with them.   Instead, we just said thank you for thinking of us!

So as always, I need to try to live in the present--to be thankful for today.  It is hard for me to have things out of my control and to wait--and that is what I have to accept.  I read on Sacred Space to breathe deeply and think of that as God's gift of life in you so I shall try to do just that.  Now.

Random thoughts and some rants

I really looked forward to going to the grocery store this morning.  We postponed our trip all week--each day saying that we really could get along one more day.  The more we stay home the less we are exposed to others who may have the virus. But the outing today was mostly just frustrating.

There were changes this morning for our protection but they made it difficult   We had to wear masks to enter the store.  My mask kept falling off my face.  I put on my reading glasses (I did remember them this week) and they fogged up.  The aisles were one way only. We didn't need to go down each aisle but did so anyway to keep the pattern going.   And then as always, I couldn't find some items in a store that I am still not used to after eight months.    Cocoa for baking?   Maybe I was looking in the wrong place or maybe they were out.  Jelly beans?   Not with the Easter supplies or in the candy section.

Easter dinner?   I had hoped that this year I could make a bunny cake with my grandchildren but instead we will eat with the two of us.  No point in buying a big ham and a ham slice looked pretty inadequate.  So we will have a rotisserie chicken and I might make a strawberry pie for something special.  Church will be online as it has been for the month.

I had read that a sense of well-being depends on genes, circumstances and habits.   Of those we can't control genes and the circumstances of social distancing and Jim's cancer diagosis but we can control habits to a certain extent.  The article said habits involve faith, friends, family, and work.  No wonder I feel sad these days because there are changes in those areas too.

Friends?  I am thankful for my new friend Peggy who lives here and is my walking buddy.  I am thankful for our "old" friends from NCSU days, the Moorheads who moved to Princeton and are now reunited with us.  I am grateful for email and Facebook as ways of contacting my friends from South Bend.  Yesterday I had an encouraging exchange with Linda Hanstra who thought I had unsubscribed from her blog.  I had done no such thing and I'm glad she asked!  Then Madge McLaughlin called me from her cabin in northern Georgia where she is self-isolating after her flight from South Bend and before spending time with her daughter's young family.   It was so good to chat with her--good for both of us.  But in many ways, we are strangers here and do not have friends nearby or neighbors we know.

Family?   Our precious Ruth, "one of your favorite grand-daughters," sent me a letter in response to one I had sent her a couple of weeks ago when they were first having to home-school.  She is only eight years old but it was such a thoughtful and gracious and mature letter that responded to things that I had written about her school work and the piano that was mine and is now theirs.   Last night we visited with Dan and Alex via Facetime which was great.  Dan had sent us a video of Alex cheering at their window as a tribute to first responders and health care workers along with other New Yorkers at 7 pm.  We could hear the cheers on the streets.

 We moved here to be near family and now physical contact is forbidden lest we bring our exposure to them or they to us.  At least Jim and I are together but it does get lonely.

Work?  Jim has his writing projects to do but I have nothing beyond basic household maintenance of laundry and meal planning and preparation.  No volunteer work or church music.  I need more to do--especially more to do for others.

Faith?   I am thankful for our churches here and in South Bend finding ways to help us worship online.
  I am thankful for Pray as You Go which I have done almost every morning during Lent while taking a pre-breakfast walk.  I am thankful for Sacred Space which I do to calm down and get a better perspective.  I am thankful to be able to play hymns on my digital piano but I have to be in the right mood to do that.  We miss worshipping in a sanctuary and singing with others.  Our faith is personal but really needs the support of a congregation.

Writing helps me focus my thoughts and is therapeutic for me.   And this time is worth remembering when it is over--which is at some very unknown time in the future.   So it will become part of my Blog2Print 2020 book at the end of the year--and I hope will be a distant memory at that point!

Holy Week in the Time of Coronavirus

Yesterday we went to church for the 3rd or 4th week--I can't even remember but could look it up--via video from NassauChurch.org.  We heard the welcome, confession, scripture, short sermon and a few hymns sung by the choir section leaders.   After "church,"  we went to church school and listened to Eric Barreto,  a Princeton Seminary professor, talk about the passage for the week--the one we discussed by Zoom in our Lenten small group and the one Dr. Davis used as a basis for his sermon.  We did not have palm branches for Palm Sunday although they were supposed to be available in an urn in front of church.  It is sad and church like this will be continuing for an indefinite period of time.

Yesterday afternoon we sat on Jeff and Susan's deck--at least six feet apart--and chatted.  Susan was kind enough to make me two face masks.  I borrowed a garden shovel and asked for some Benadryl for my itchy leg.  We learned that Katie made a big decision and will be doing her graduate work at Princeton which makes us all happy.  But how I feel for Katie ending her college career in this way and having her boyfriend as far away as possible in the continental USA--in Seattle. 

We went for a walk along the canal again from the Rocky Hill parking lot.  It was warm and quite lovely.   There were many little wildflowers along the path--tiny little white and yellow blooms carpeting the ground.

We thawed leftover spaghetti from the refrigerator.  It tasted great and I didn't have to cook anything new.

The evening wears on with no live sports on TV.  We both did some reading.  I had a few tears of frustration and loneliness and probably anger.  Not everything is blog material  And it is a hard time for everyone--for many it is more difficult than for us who do not have children to care for during this time of sheltering in place.  We have to cope with the threat of coronavirus like everyone else but also the presence of cancer and it scares me. 

So many post on Facebook about the great meals they are fixing or the projects they are doing.  I am trying to be content with far less ambitious projects--doing the laundry and fixing meals and reading.  It helps me to write in my journals or this blog. 

This morning I put the moonflower seeds that had been soaking for 24 hours into pots.  I had purchased soil on Saturday at Ace Hardware.   I have a load of wash started.   I plan to walk with my friend Peggy this afternoon and give her some of our great McCaffery's find of hand sanitizer made by Faber Distillery--a usual maker of gin and vodka.   I plan to make meat loaf and scalloped potatoes for supper--comfort food.  So those are my goals for the day. I downloaded another mystery for my Kindle app because the novels I am reading by Somerset Maugham are too depressing. 

Jim just had a telemedicine call for a three month follow up with Dr. Chattha.  I am not sure why he had such an appointment scheduled and I did not.  It's fine with me.  I have no desire to talk to her.  If my infected bite does not clear up, I'll have to call the office again and will ask for Dr DelaCruz who heped me last week.  The spot is no longer draining but the redness is extensive and it itches.  I have three more days of antibiotics to take and am trying to be optimistic.  It is definitely better than it was. 

So this is life under the Covid19 threat.   I need to be thankful for boredom because the disease and the threat of hospitalization is terrible.   No visitors are allowed.  Ventilators are in short supply.  Younger people might have priority which would be fine with me.    If you die, you die alone.   I'd rather die in my bedroom at home but I know if I can't breathe, I'd panic and go to the ER.  Lord God, spare us from that!
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Abram VanEngen posted a piece on Facebook today based on a poem of Hopkins.  Abram wrote about entering the darkness of Holy Week and how the disciples didn't know how it would end.   Hopkins (and Abram) didn't come up with easy answers about God's teaching us a lesson but said that when we ask where God is, we are wrestling with God as Jacob did and that is a good thing.  He ended with these words:

Our hope and our comfort—far from the “carrion comfort” of despair—is that God enters the darkness himself.

I will take the wisdom of a young friend--a young man we knew as a boy--as try to let it come into my soul today.