I am not a patient person. I like to be in control and I don't like waiting. Probably most folks feel the same way, but I can get obsessive and my mind runs non-stop when I have to wait for answers. I lay awake at night thinking "What if..." and "What will I do next?" These last few weeks have been ones of waiting for closure on my episode of "transient global amnesia" on February 13. If that is what it was. Maybe I'll know more today. Maybe not until Monday. Maybe not then.
A hospital stay involves waiting--for tests to be scheduled, for results to be sent in, for doctors to report, for nurses to report the doctor's report. I was so ready to go home after one night there, but had to wait to hear the results of the MRI (negative) and then get an Echogram (negative) and then see a neurologist after he finished his office hours. At that point on the second day, I said, "Let me out of here. I'll see him later." And they let me out and I was able to have a lovely leftover lasagna birthday dinner with Jim--and a glass of wine--and ice cream cake.
But that meant waiting to see my family doctor and then waiting to get an appointment with a more recommended neurologist and then waiting to get an EEG scheduled (not one more test, please!) and now, this morning, waiting for the results of that too. I make sure the phones are on and that I can hear them wherever I go. The neurologist's appointment was scheduled just before I had my shampoo at Salon Rouge. The phone was in my hand.
I may get closure today or not. If they find something, I will need treatment. If the EEG comes back normal, we can still wonder what caused the episode but will probably never know. Will it happen again? Probably not, but we can't know that either. So I have to live with uncertainty and a lack of control.
It is a statement of faith to say God is in control. I try to say that but how can that be? I wnat to have that peace of mind and sometimes I do. But not always.
Our prayer list seems to get longer each day. I am getting Caring Bridge posts for three people--young and older. Another family we know of had a still born child who will have a service at our church on Saturday. We just got news that our interim pastor on a much anticipated vacation in the Dominican Repulic has a serious infection and is hospilized there. How must he feel and his wife feel so far from home? How do my Caring Bridge friends get closure from cancer or kidney failure?
It doesn't help me to feel guilty about not being able to deal well with my small problems when others have such enormous problems. It does help me to write it out--on this blog--in my therapy journal--in my spiritual journal. I am glad for that opportunity.
Now for the energy to be Grandma Mary for the next five days and nights! I'm not going into it strong but I am going into it with the support of Jim with me--and the prayers of others. And I am eager for a snuggle with those little ones and hugs from the big ones.