Last week when Jim drove 12 miles up the busy Route One to bring the Kia Sportage in for a recall issue, I pondered the gender roles in our marriage. As Jeff once said, "Mom feels a blog coming on." When Jim came home, I thanked him for taking that responsibility and leaving me home in our air conditioned apartment. He pointed out that I had just written a get well card and a sympathy card to friends and signed his name to them. We each have our roles and have settled into them without conflict or resentment.
For the first nine years of our marriage, Jim was a student. I was the primary wage earner for some of those years. We had a small child after four years of marriage. These circumstances made shared responsibilites essential and natural. We did have some struggles to feel like we were each doing our fair share but they must have been resolved.
We came into marriage as most people do with differing family stories. My dad and in fact even one of my grandfathers were helpful around the house. When I was four years old, my dad spent a year in a Veteran's Hospital many hours from our home. I remember my paternal grandfather driving down our street in his black 1950 Ford once a week to help my mother. I wonder now why it was he who helped and not my grandmother. Jim's dad was a busy pastor and his mom was the traditional "juffrouw." Jim's mom would serve his dad coffee bringing him sugar and cream as well while he remained seated somewhere.
So how have we divided our responsibilities now? Jim definitely takes care of the car, a pretty traditional male role. He balances the checkbook which he took over from me when he felt he could do it better (which is probably true and I was happy to give that up!). We pay separate credit card bills for two differing credit cards. Jim has done almost all the negotiations with our financial advisor and his retirement accounts. I initially researched our health insurance and social security decisions.
When there are home maintenance issues, neither one of us needs to make repairs. However, Jim is the one to put the query on the "portal" and get Alonso, our head maintenance man, to come and help us out. Alonso likes us because we don't ask for much and I made him "banket" for Christmas.
I plan and cook meals except for Sunday morning breakfast when Jim boils the eggs and puts out the sweet rolls. We are each on our own for breakfasts the other days. Jim puts out the snacks for our happy hour and we usually get our own beverage. He is the coffee maker and just now when I made some decaf for us at 1 pm, he thought it was too strong. Jim always does the dishes after supper and runs the dishwasher when needed. I love walking away after supper! But Jim says he is happy I cook the meals. I do the laundry but he sorts his own stuff and puts it away afterwards. Jim reminded me that he vacuums after I dust. I hate dusting so we tend to postpone both tasks!
Since moving to Princeton, Jim has done most of the driving even when I have my own errands to the library or CVS. This is not good because I am losing my nerve and skills in driving. We grocery shop together once a week usually.
Jim almost always says the grace before our meals although occasionally asks me to take a turn. Does this make him the "head of the house" in a spiritual sense? When we were able to hear our wedding vows on the old super 8 tape we retrieved last year when we moved, I noted that I did not promise to obey in our vows. But Jim's dad's sermon was about the man being the head of the house as Christ was head of the church.
We make travel decisions together but I book hotels and airline tickets.
I'm glad we can share our lives, each taking roles in it. We probably each do what we are best at. We hope that it can continue this way for a long time in the future!
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