Loneliness!.

Every Tuesday morning I click on the Zoom link and join about eight other women from our former church now called Church of the Savior in South Bend. On Monday I prepared by reading the Bible passage and thinking about the questions. This semester we also read a sermon by Barbara Brown Taylor. This gave me some structure in my life for the early week.

We usually entered into the morning session with a contemplative prayer.  We discussed the passage and then we shared our personal needs for prayer. We had three wonderful leaders who took turns with guiding us. The women are all of a generation of my own children. Most of them were mothers and were concerned in this pandemic year about their children's schooling and welfare. The concerns were not trivial. It has been a difficult year for children and parents. There were some health concerns as well with surgeries and illnesses.  It was good for me to see the faces of these lovely women in their Zoom boxes. It was good for me to think about the needs of others and to have people to pray for. 

 Last week was our last session. I am feeling very lonely today and having a hard time snapping out of it. Maybe I am missing my South Bend friends. But that is not all of it. I have to find a way to get a life here in Princeton. I was the one who wanted to move here but Jim is the one who has found a life (or rather continued the one he had) with his writing and conferences (by Zoom now)  and his weekly golf game and plenty of TV sports.  

 So today I tried hard to think of what I could do this afternoon while Jim played golf. Clean out the boxes of music and my former work related stuff in the garage? Take the car and explore a town or a park? Sort through the many books I have accumulated this year and prepare them for donation at the library (when they are ready to accept them!)? But I felt powerless to make myself do anything at all. 

 I had Jim drop me off at the corner of the apartment complex and I walked to my "grotto" along the canal. There was God's gift for me--a group of wild yellow irises along the canal. I think I heard the thousands of cicadas buzzing--although it seemed a higher tone than I had imagined them to make.

  And just now at home again my phone sounded with a photo of David and Christina dressed in red for Pentecost services in South Bend saying dressing in red made them think of me. I know I had suggested red for everyone for Pentecost at one point and on occasion wore a red dress that is still hanging in a spare closet.  David said my influence persists. That photo and text cheered me up.   I texted David that he had helped with my lonely day! 

I will pray for a way forward. I am responsible for my own happiness and can't ask anyone else to find it for me. However I feel as if I were given two gifts this afternoon and for that I am grateful!  Those gifts were answers to my prayer.  

Languishing or Flourishing

An article in the NYT used the word "languishing" to describe the way many of us feel during this time of the Covid 19 pandemic. We're not depressed but we're not "flourishing." We have used the word "languishing" more often than usual in the last week--sometimes in a joking way. 

 When we found Scott's Corner Preserve, a new place to walk, and I was so happy to be exploring there, Jim asked if this was getting me over "languishing." Yes, it made me glad to see new territory and to be grateful to those who preserved the land for others to enjoy. 

  I made rhubarb crisp yesterday. I rarely bake because we don't need to eat sweets but I saw rhubarb at McCaffrey's on Saturday and got some. It took me almost all week to get it out of the refrigerator and put the dessert together. It smelled wonderful in the oven and it tasted delicious last night. But I just don't have the zeal for looking for new recipes. I am happy when we have leftovers available and I don't have to think of what to eat or do anything besides zap them in the microwave. That is definitely "languishing." 

 Laura wrote in her blog about needing to think of one big adventure each week and one small adventure each day. I appreciate her spirit of adventure and I mourn the loss of my own spirit of adventure. How can I be the person who used to go into New York City or Chicago by herself and enjoy the big city? A trip down State Road 27 to buy plants was as far as I went this week and even that drive on my own had me feeling a bit shaky. 

 The CDC says we no longer have to wear masks everywhere so we should be freer to do more. But that means I should think of things I want to do and find some more initiative in myself to do them. I hadn't even blogged for two weeks because there didn't seem to be any inspiration for blogging.

So here is a blog about nothing much but my musings.  I hope that in the next few months there will be adventures to write about--good adventures! 

A Lady of Many Years Reminisces

 Lithub shows up in my email daily and I often enjoy reading about authors and books.  Yesterday's email featured Milman Parry and his original work about finding Homer's oral tradition.  I sent it on to our children because my Harvard job the first year of Jim's graduate work was in the Milman Parry collection at Widener Library.  I wrote to them of the difficulty of typing Serbo-Croatian manuscripts.  

Our son-in-law Michael wrote back about the tragic demise of Milman Parry at age 33 because of an accidental gunshot when he was unpacking a suitcase.  How could I not have known that?  In my vague recollection, I think I thought he was a much older man and don't remember anyone talking of that tragic death.   To me he was a mythical figure whose name was on the door.  I don't think his successors ever mentioned that sad ending to his life. 

Scott's Corner
Conservation
Area

But this brought back a flood of other memories that I will record.  I hesitated to write any more to our kids last night.   But maybe these memories are worth recording of a time when we were young and life was much different and certainly had different anxieties particularly of finances.

We arrived in Somerville, Massachusetts in the fall of 1972 for Jim's first year of graduate school at Harvard.   We had a six month old baby and some money in savings thanks to Jim's Fulbright year in Scotland and the fact that I unexpectedly worked that year as well--as a "assistant music mistress" at St. Leonard's School which sounds more important than it was.  I taught sixteen little girls to play the piano.

I needed a job that fall.  I remember applying at a convenience store down the road.  When I asked if they ever had robberies, they told me that it might not be the right job for me if I asked a question like that.  I agreed and did not apply further!  I think I remember being hired by Baskin-Robbins at a nearby shopping area but I know I was never trained or began work.   

My next move was to Harvard's employment office where I was told they had no part-time jobs available.   I still took a typing test and when I was finished, I had done well enough that suddently there were two jobs for which I could interview.  Should I credit my father for that skill?  I know he discouraged me from taking a second year of algebra in high school and encouraged a second year of typing "so that you could always get a job!"   I would not have become a mathematician but the feminist in me never quite got over that advice!

Professor Albert Lord (writer of the classic The Singer of Tales) hired me to work five afternoons a week in the office in Widener Library.  I answered the phone, typed manuscripts, and filled out forms.   One of my first days on the job, I dropped an IBM typewriter head and it broke!  (It might have been worth a week's wages) I was dismayed but no one got upset with me.  In fact, Professor Lord later told me that it was good to have someone with some intelligence working for them--even if no secretarial experience!  I used to have fantasies of going into the financial floors of Harvard with the forms which I struggled to complete and blowing a fan to scatter papers everywhere!

I lasted a year and then applied for a teaching position in the Newton Public Schools as a tutor of the "perceptually handicapped."  (what we now would call learning disabled or dyslexic)  I was accepted into the six week training program with no assurance of a job at the end. With great confidence and foolhardiness, I quit the Harvard job.  Much to my relief, the head of the Newton program told me after two weeks that he would hire me.  I had a good increase in my hourly wage and a job that I liked.  The training in that program was of value to me for the rest of my career when I tutored children privately and later taught many adults who had struggled in school.  

Strange how one notice can trigger so many memories!  I am indulging myself in recording them!

------------May 14 The biography of Milman Parry was reviewed today in the WSJ with more information about Albert Lord and his trip with Parry in Yugoslavia in the 1950s. I remember the names of the Slavic poets and seeing the metal discs with the tapes inside.

A Birthday Week

 Last week Wednesday was my birthday--and it was a "milestone" birthday.  When my grandparents were this age, I thought they were really, really old.  Sometimes I do feel pretty old but usually find it hard to believe that Jim and I are both so "full of years."

I posted and deleted one blog about my birthday.  It incorporated Jim's guest post on Laura's Facebook page.  He was so dear as to write a long (very long for social media!) piece and ask Laura to tag my friends so they could see it.  I don't put my birthday on Facebook but this way I was "outed."   I had copied and pasted it on this blog and then decided that having it on Facebook and on Laura's blog was enough.  I saved it however for my own private journal so I can look at it and feel affirmed any time!  It was a bit embarassing and humbling but it was a very original birthday idea and I appreciated his words immensely. 

Even though I deleted one blog post, I do want to remember the highlights of last week because it was an unusual one in this time of isolation.  The week began when our friends the Moorheads treated us for a birthday coffee at PJ's in Kingston on Monday morning.  We sat outside and it was a lovely visit.  The Moorheads were our friends from Raleigh days and it has been great to be reunited with them here in Princeton.

Then on Tuesday we drove to Spring Lake, New Jersey where we spent the night at The Breakers, a resort hotel right on the ocean.  We walked around the town looking at the large and luxurious homes.   The best part of our stay was eating at the hotel restaurant, the first time we had eaten out since October. It was wonderful to be waited on and enjoy a meal with a view of the ocean.  As my birthday treat, I decided we did not need to share a dessert as we usually do and I indulged in a very chocolate molten cake with ice cream.  

After breakfast in the hotel dining room the next morning, we headed home--only a hour's trip.  We can make that trip to the shore more often! 

Jim's post on Facebook was the gift that kept on giving as many friends made comments and sent me birthday wishes.  

Laura and her family sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers and Dan and Alex called via Facetime.  On Saturday we went to Jeff and Susan's for a birthday cookout.  It is so nice that the weather is warm enough that we can do that again.  Katie and Eli gave me another bouquet of tulips and  had picked up some very decadent cupcakes for a birthday treat.  Susan gave us both memorable hugs--saying that we can do that again now that we are fully vaccinated.  

I can't help but wonder what the next year will bring.  I hope it will be healthy and happy.   We have greater optimism about being able to deal with the threat of Covid than we did a year ago. We were able to see family and to eat in a restaurant.  We continue to be careful about mask wearing and avoiding gatherings but hope we will be able to avoid serious infection.  

A Litany of Thanksgiving

Jim dropped me off at the entrance to Barclay Square so I had a head start on my walk to the "grotto" along the canal.  As I walked down the path, I found myself thanking God that I could put one foot in front of the other.  And then I thought about being thankful that I could take a shower this morning and wash my hair--a task I don't like but the day may come when others will have to do it for me.  And then I thought that I could shake my dark mood by writing a litany of thanksgiving.  So I sat on "my" bench at the grotto and enjoyed the quiet and lovely surroundings and was very thankful for a time of peace.

I was thankful for:

watching one skiff after another on Lake Carnegie.  I could feel the soreness in my muscles as the rowers pulled those oars. 

seeing five leaping fish in the canal or was it one fish leaping five times?

noticing the smoothness of the water contrasting with the ripples a few feet away

hearing birds chirping and work vehicles beeping in the distance

anticipating Jim's return after golf and drinking wine together for our happy hour

praying (listening) with Jim as he thanks God before our meal (even if it is just hotdogs tonight)

sleeping so well last night

losing maybe eight pounds since a high of a to be unnamed amount

 having a way to record my thoughts and preserve them

living in a lovely place inside and outside

being able to pay the rent (as our lease is ready to renew)  and pay the taxes that are due without great concern for our finances

using sacredspace.ie on my phone to help me give me some perspective ("Fill my spirit with your peace and joy.")

I will add a few photos and post my litany and be thankful that the sadness has lifted.

Relief and Rejoicing

Jim saw his urologist on Tuesday and had blood drawn for another PSA test. That was his 4th one since finishing radiation for prostate cancer. The previous ones were all good, low numbers. In January however, we struggled for days to get the results. They were not on his "portal" and the office aide gave him a number that didn't make sense. It took well over a week to get the information we wanted. This time however, the number was up on his portal within 48 hours and it was good! We were so relieved and thankful. 

 I had been waiting for some lab results as well--not as concerning as Jim's--but I too was relieved to hear they were "borderline" and I just need to keep avoiding carbs and sweets. I had lost five pounds and I can and should lose more.

 For both of us, we don't need to check in with more labs for six months instead of three or four months. I feel like we are given a reprieve. Who knows what else could happen in the next six months? Last year who would have known that we would be seeking out vaccines to prevent a terrible disease? Or at our age, what else could deteriorate in our bodies? But for now, we are so relieved. 

 I am going to plan a trip to the Jersey shore for a few days. We will be going to the Catskills for a wedding celebration for a friend in June and hope to see Dan and Alex then as well. Next fall we are planning to spend six weeks in South Bend when Jim has been recruited to teach a seminar at Notre Dame. We can see family and friends in the area. I am determined to see Lake Michigan again--maybe even a few days in South Haven. We can worship in "our church" in South Bend. We are not sorry we have made the big move to Princeton but there is much we have missed back in the Midwest. 

 With our vaccinations done and our labs coming back with good numbers, we can make plans. And part of the fun of traveling is making plans.

Henry is Baptized (one year later)

Henry was supposed to be baptized in March 2020 but the Covid pandemic cancelled all live church services.  One year later, today, Palm Sunday 2021, we celebrated Henry's baptism in a "Family Service" outdoors covered by a big white tent in front of Bryn Mawr Presbyterian Church.  It was raining hard and it was not warm but it was a beautiful service anyway.   

It was the first time in a year that we sang a hymn with other voices.  That in itself made it a beautiful service!   We had palm branches to wave and we sounded our "Hosannas!"  The liturgy and sermon were short with the baptism at the end of the service.   Uncle Jeff was there representing his family.  Henry, no longer a babe in arms, was happy throughout.  

Rachel Pedersen, the pastor in charge, gave J a part in saying the Apostles' Creed.  R poured the water from the pitcher into the font. The whole family gathered around.   Michael and Laura made their promises and as family members, we too were asked to promise to nurture Henry in faith. 

I am filled with thanksgiving to witness another baptism in our family and to know that Laura and her family are a part of a church community that will support their vows.  

We had lunch afterwards and then headed home for just an hours' ride instead of the 12 or 13 hour ride we would have had after previous baptisms.